Fear?

Hughes Mearns (1875-1965)
Antigonish (1899)

"As I was going up the stair
I saw a man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
Oh, how I wish he’d go away...
When I came home last night at three
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall
I couldn’t see him there at all!
Go away, go away, don’t you come back any more!
Go away, go away, and please don’t slam the door... (Slam!)
Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
Oh, how I wish he’d go away"

I was watching a movie last night and this poem was brought up. Strange, I never looked at it the way I did today at work. It seems to me now that the man who is and is not there is fear. Fear like when the town’s folk of Frankenstein came barring pitch forks and torches. It is fear of the unknown. “Is it good for us? Is it bad? I don’t know lets kill it”. It’s that pesky demon on our shoulder that won’t shut up. It’s the angel on the other shoulder too. It’s the dream we refuse to acknowledge.
It’s the fear we won’t face.
Why do people still subscribe to this fear? Does fear drive this fear? We are not meant to live in fear but to learn from it, right?

Thoughts to get out

The people I love still love me; the people I thought loved me, have turned against me. Even I did. It seems today that I remember a time that I was whole or at least better put together. What does one do? Where to start? I had friends at work, which I felt moderately close to. They hurt and betrayed me. The retributions have been endless. I suppose it could have something to do with me being gay. Probably just that I am too neurotic.
Trust. How am I to place it in others? I feel as though I’ve lost nearly all moral compass to navigate my way through the jerks and jerkettes. When did people become so stubborn and vengeful? I am culpable to this to I suppose. Maybe I have not been willing to listen enough. So is it my fault? Did I do something to bring this “Karma” down on me?
How does it go? Do unto others and you want them to do to you? Does anyone believe in that anymore?

Here it is. We are all at fault and we all have different ideas. We are all selfish. What we need to do is forgive, and then let it go. I’m tired of old grudges. I’m Tired.

Marriage

Love
My thoughts are all messed up about this. I need an explanation. I understand the majority-Christians look at love as between a man and a woman. Of course they also believe in the more common love; that of parents loving their children and “loving one's neighbor as yourself”. They also believe in the love of God. But they seem to set aside a different love for thier spouses. That’s the love I need an explanation for. I need to understand how that kind of love could not apply to Homosexuals such as myself. I am not a bad person, nor is my boyfriend. When I look in his eyes I say “wow I love you, just control your gas when we are around guests”. Who could say that isn’t love? Isn’t that special love just the ability to love someone for who and what they are, no matter what? For better or for worse, as some say. Do they think two men- or women- are physically incapable of this?

What is it they are thinking? Looking at the Christian Bible it clearly says “Love bears all things”. Are they saying this verse means nothing when dealing with men loving men or women loving women? Are they saying “love only bears the things we wish it too”?

Then there’s sex. Why are the majority-Christians so concerned with sex? Do they not know there is more to life and marriage than sex? Do they sit around and picture what others do in bed? Do they genuinely say to themselves “Gee I wonder what Sally and Fred are doing in the sack tonight? I do hope it's God approved.” I don’t think so. But it seems they do sit around and say “Gee I wonder what Sam and Fred are doing in bed. It’s probably not God approved.” Are they just big pervs? Really! Isn’t that some sort of sin of lust to try and picture others in bed? Not that I’m that against porn, but aren’t they against it?

I read an article recently about a pastor named Ed Yong of the Fellowship church in Dallas Texas. He is encouraging the married people of his church to have sex for 7 days to “re-claim sex and marriage”. Did they loose the sanctity of marriage somehow? Did the big gay monster come to thier church and take thier freedom of religion from them? So what is love to them? Is it only between a man and a woman? Is it just the sex they have? Who defines Love? Human kind? Is that it? Is it God? Cause if it is I would imagine love being a lot larger then just the act of sex.

Seriously though, if majority-Christians truly cared one smidge about marriage they would try to do something about divorce. You know the whole “remove the plank form your own eye before the attempt to get one out of your neighbors"?

Anyhoo, I will write a bit about myself in a later blog. I just wanted to get this out and hopefully get a few responses. Feel free to be angry or happy about what I say. All thoughts are welcome.William